Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
