You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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