Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
