im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
