i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
