If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
