I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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