Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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