Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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