I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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