I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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