i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
