I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
