so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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