remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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