Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
