I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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