first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just found puke in my bra..
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
