after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
