Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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