I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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