You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
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