you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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