From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
