Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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