Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
