Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
