it was like eating out sand paper
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
