i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
