They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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