My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
