dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
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just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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