Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
