I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
