Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
