True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
