i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i will never coherently bang her
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
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I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
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Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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