I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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