I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
