As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
