My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
