Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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