If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
