Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
