you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
