NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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