my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
