I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
