Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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