Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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