I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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