anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
