so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
