I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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