Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
