If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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