my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
