there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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