Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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